A Mildly Amusing View On Old Age

I'm old! That, in itself, is not remotely amusing. However, over the past many decades that I've been inflicted on this planet, I've heard a few quotes that put old age in perspective. Some are original, most aren't. Enjoy!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Sex at age 70 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!

Here are a few on marriage.

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
My wife and I were happy for twenty five years. Then we met.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

Yawn! Mildly amusing. Time for a nap.

The Pros And Cons Of Being Overweight.

Obviously, a very contentious question. I'm not sure why it's contentious, it just seemed like a good thing to write.

I'm overweight. There, I said it! I really don't think it's a bad thing for me, although some of my family members disagree.

Here are some of the pros.
There are no wrinkles on a balloon, so I'm often told that I look more than a decade younger than my 68 years.
I don't have to avoid delicious food to try and keep a svelte figure.
The same goes for booze. I can drink copious quantities of good booze without getting fall down drunk. I'm told this due to my bulk. Sadly, the traffic police don't buy this.

Now for some of the cons.
I haven't seen my feet or my "old fella" for years. I know they are still there, because I can feel them in the shower. See how I kept that sentence clean? In two ways. 
I have an increased risk of a heart attack. My, now deceased doctor told me that. I actually had my heart attack 13 years ago, when I was slim.
Women don't find me attractive. I couldn't care less! At least my very lovely wife still adores me (she says).

Finally, to all those critics and haters of "over sized" people, I say "I'll bet you beat me to the grave". In fact, I'm so confident of that, I'll personally pay you $100, if I'm wrong.

Getting Screwed? Screw the Screwer.

All the information outlined in this post is my personal opinion and should not be taken as infallible.

See the above sentence? Take note.

Although I may be an old fart, I'm not necessarily senile or particularly stupid which may surprise many of you.
Over the past sixty something years, many people or businesses have either taken advantage of me, or tried to. Some were successful, most weren't. Since the advent of the internet, I have devised a way of turning the tables on those who try to screw me. In other words, I've became the screwer, not the screwee (lots of new words here).

In the past three years, I've managed to turn the tables on three different organisations that have tried to screw me over. They were a finance broker, a law firm and a real estate agent. I won't mention names, to avoid potential future litigation.

This is how it works.
Almost all businesses these days have a website, extolling the virtues of their organisations, although a surprising number still don't.. In Australia, most of them use the Australian suffix, eg. Dudcompany.com.au. Note the au at the end, Canada uses .ca, Russia uses .ru etc. However, they are so caught up in showing the viewers of the website that they are Australian, using the au suffix that they forget to register the plain old .com. This is where they come undone.

If you have been ripped off, lied to or just badly mistreated, go online and register that business' ,com.
It only costs around US$20 for 12 months. Then build a website and link it to a blog where you can outline that company's bad practices. Upload the website on to the internet and then sit back and watch them scream. It also helps if you email them your URL, so they quickly become aware of it.

Now for some important points.
1  Don't put anything on you website and claim it to be fact, unless you can include copies of actual documents. Write the entire blog and website as YOUR PERSONAL OPINION.
2. When the company contacts you and demands you take you website down (and they will), stay calm, be concise as to why you took this action and NEVER threaten them (although they will probably threaten you) and NEVER ask them for money to remove the site. Just refuse to remove your website and wait for them to make an offer. Get their offer in writing.
3. When you come to an agreement and actually receive a cheque refunding you for the amount they robbed you, take the website down immediately. You win.
4. When I do this, I also register Dudcompany.org and .net, which I don't mention to them, just as a bit of insurance.

Please remember, just state your personal opinion and don't state a fact, unless you can support with documentation, which should be displayed on your website. Don't demand money to take down your site. That could be seen as blackmail. Wait for them to make an offer.

Good luck!
This post is just my personal opinion and no guarantees or promises have been made. See!