"What the hell is a Jubbly?", you ask. I have no idea. It's just a descriptive noun that I created to describe the people who wander aimlessly around shops looking at nothing in particular. The only words that come out of their mouths are a mumbled "Just looking".
I think those words are a well thought out and rehearsed defence mechanism, used by Jubblies, to ward off sales people who may intend to sell them something, rip them off, intentionally make them look stupid or inferior or, just possibly, genuinely want to help them.
It's just possible that these defenceless Jubblies spend hours in front of the mirror, perfecting the blank, gormless look and practising intensely for hours to create the the perfectly toneless "Just looking".
I can imagine the Jubbly couples getting home after wandering up and down the aisles of numerous retail outlets wearing their expressionless faces, cheeks almost cramping due to the muscle control needed to maintain that look, hands firmly thrust in their pockets, having spent nothing. There would be a lot of mutual cheek rubbing to relax the cramped cheek muscles, vigourous hand rubbing to unclench their long pocketed fists and wild grimacing to restore some facial expression.
All that would be followed by wild rejoicing in the fact that they had, once again, outwitted all those dimwitted salespeople who were after their money. They would probably celebrate with a weak cup of tea made with a thrice used teabag, as they hadn't allowed someone to sell them a new packet of tea bags.
All hail the victorious Jubblies!
Welcome to my blog, where you'll be able to expand your mind via my vast intellect. I will tackle all manner of oddities that I find in life and the media. I hope you enjoy your stay, as in Hotel California.
Tuesday, 15 August 2017
Thursday, 3 August 2017
Why I Should Be The Next James Bond
Rumours abound about who will play James Bond after Daniel Craig exits the role. Some morons are even touting a woman to play the part. Are you shitting me? Who would ever quake in fear of a woman called James? Nigel, yes. James, no.
Sean Connery, the original Bond is around the same vintage as me. A few years older maybe. The differences are that I still have all my own hair and teeth and I'm also sans wrinkles. The wrinkles thing is best explained by asking the question "Have you ever seen wrinkles on a balloon?". This brings me to my next point. Chronologically, Bond would now be in his late 70s. With a judicial application of makeup, I could look that wasted.
Connery also had copious quantities of body hair which was considered sexy in those days. In addition to my full head of hair, I still have copious quantities of body hair. Front and back. Long flowing locks of it. Enough to be styled in a succession of silken, silver plaits down my back. Bond girls, now in their late 60s, if you believe their publicists, would swoon over it. Think of the Rapunzel stunts I could do with that hair! Amazing!
As for acting ability, I have none. However, neither did Connery in the early Bond movies. But his ability evolved, as would mine. Also, in my favour, I have a strong tolerance for Martinis, shaken, not stirred of both the gin and vodka varieties. As for the physical and sexual stuff, I could use stunt doubles. Especially with the sex scenes involving 60+ saggy, wrinkly actresses.
As you can undoubtedly see, I would make a perfect new Bond, possibly with a slight name change. Bruce, Bruce Oldfart.
Sean Connery, the original Bond is around the same vintage as me. A few years older maybe. The differences are that I still have all my own hair and teeth and I'm also sans wrinkles. The wrinkles thing is best explained by asking the question "Have you ever seen wrinkles on a balloon?". This brings me to my next point. Chronologically, Bond would now be in his late 70s. With a judicial application of makeup, I could look that wasted.
Connery also had copious quantities of body hair which was considered sexy in those days. In addition to my full head of hair, I still have copious quantities of body hair. Front and back. Long flowing locks of it. Enough to be styled in a succession of silken, silver plaits down my back. Bond girls, now in their late 60s, if you believe their publicists, would swoon over it. Think of the Rapunzel stunts I could do with that hair! Amazing!
As for acting ability, I have none. However, neither did Connery in the early Bond movies. But his ability evolved, as would mine. Also, in my favour, I have a strong tolerance for Martinis, shaken, not stirred of both the gin and vodka varieties. As for the physical and sexual stuff, I could use stunt doubles. Especially with the sex scenes involving 60+ saggy, wrinkly actresses.
As you can undoubtedly see, I would make a perfect new Bond, possibly with a slight name change. Bruce, Bruce Oldfart.
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