Rumours abound about who will play James Bond after Daniel Craig exits the role. Some morons are even touting a woman to play the part. Are you shitting me? Who would ever quake in fear of a woman called James? Nigel, yes. James, no.
Sean Connery, the original Bond is around the same vintage as me. A few years older maybe. The differences are that I still have all my own hair and teeth and I'm also sans wrinkles. The wrinkles thing is best explained by asking the question "Have you ever seen wrinkles on a balloon?". This brings me to my next point. Chronologically, Bond would now be in his late 70s. With a judicial application of makeup, I could look that wasted.
Connery also had copious quantities of body hair which was considered sexy in those days. In addition to my full head of hair, I still have copious quantities of body hair. Front and back. Long flowing locks of it. Enough to be styled in a succession of silken, silver plaits down my back. Bond girls, now in their late 60s, if you believe their publicists, would swoon over it. Think of the Rapunzel stunts I could do with that hair! Amazing!
As for acting ability, I have none. However, neither did Connery in the early Bond movies. But his ability evolved, as would mine. Also, in my favour, I have a strong tolerance for Martinis, shaken, not stirred of both the gin and vodka varieties. As for the physical and sexual stuff, I could use stunt doubles. Especially with the sex scenes involving 60+ saggy, wrinkly actresses.
As you can undoubtedly see, I would make a perfect new Bond, possibly with a slight name change. Bruce, Bruce Oldfart.
Welcome to my blog, where you'll be able to expand your mind via my vast intellect. I will tackle all manner of oddities that I find in life and the media. I hope you enjoy your stay, as in Hotel California.
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