G'day To My Russian Viewers And My Take On The Olympics

Just recently, I've received a large number of Russian viewers of this blog. I welcome you with a hearty привет.
I wish you all well and thank you for your interest. My best friend, as a child, was the son of Russian
immigrants to Australia, after WW2. We had some seriously wild adventures together as children.
Sadly, he died in his mid twenties. Vale Alex!

Now to the Olympics.
In my opinion, These are the worst Olympics ever. Under prepared, lousy accommodation, pool water turning green, athletes mutating after pool events and muggings, to name a few.

Despite all of that, the Rio Olympics Management Committee have decided to celebrate the these wildly successful (joking) Olympics with a small "in house" event to reward those responsible.
Those rewarded will include the organisers, the security, the hookers, drug dealers and the muggers.
The event will be a kind of  minor heptathlon (only 4 events). The events are as follows:-

The two kilometer ocean swim at Copacabana Beach. The winner will be the contestant whose body mutates the least, within thirty days of completing the swim.

The ten kilometer walk, dressed only in a grass skirt through Rio's poorest slums. The winner will be the first contestant who completes the walk without receiving life threatening injuries.

The four day live-in in the athletes village. The winner will be the person, with the least injuries, who survives without being beaten, raped, robbed, electrocuted or being jabbed with used needles.

The ten kilometer mini-marathon. This event will be run through the back streets of Rio and the contestants will wear a money belt stuffed with US dollars. The winner will be the fist person past the finish line. *Note. It not expected that there will be a winner.

Instead of gold medals, the winners will receive a gold painted glass tube containing an antidote for the Zika virus. This seems a little strange as, at this time, no such antidote exists. It is suspected that tap water from the athletes village will be used instead.

A Wonderful New Website

Just a very quick post alerting you to a new website, compiled by....wait for it....me!
The address is http://www.thereprobate.com
Enjoy, or not.

Donald and Hillary's Secret Tryst

Yep, this is it! A unofficial photo of the two contenders for the American presidency frolicking on the beach at a secret hideaway.
You'd have to be asking yourself,"Why are these two arch rivals making out?". We can only guess at the answer. Here are some of the highest ranked possibilities.

• They are planning a love child, whom they will name Vladimir or Angela

• They are planning to adopt Vlad and Angela.

• They have entered into a bipartisan arrangement whereby they will share the nuclear launch codes.

• They have just clinched a deal with the Chinese Premier to open a chain of genuine Chinese restaurants throughout the USA, to be situated in all Trump owned properties and the Clinton's backyard. These restaurants are to be excluded from any preemptive nuclear attacks by China.

• The two lovebirds have just concluded an agreement with their new BFF, Vlad, to hack into Warren Buffet's bank accounts and empty them into a secret offshore bank account.

• Hillary has just decided to get some revenge on hubby, Bill, in the worst possible way.

• They are shooting a scene from a new movie, "Beach Bonking Billionaires".

• They are negotiating the formation of their own new political party, thereby ensuring that they can alienate the entire American population. This will drive the country into deep recession, allowing the Trumps and Clintons to buy the whole country.

• None of the above, because this article is just plain rubbish.

Moving House With a Teacher, Gardener and Hoarder

Just to clarify things, the teacher, gardener and hoarder can be simplified by just using one term. That term is "wife".

I am just in the final stages of the house moving saga. This means that all our stuff has been transported the vast distance of eight kilometres, more or less, intact. The major casualty of the move is me! Do I feel sorry for myself? Damn right, I do! Is my back suffering intense pain? Damn right, it is.! Are my nerves shot to hell and am I seriously grumpy? Yep, damn right on both counts! Do most of the problems seem over stated because I've given up the booze? Quite possibly!

Having had my little rant, it's time for my big one. The previous occupants of the house were not Australian and lived a very different lifestyle to what I'm used to. For example, they only ever used one burner on the gas stove. Consequently, the other three were corroded beyond repair and both the oven and the grill had died years before. The result. A new stove.

This has seriously ruined the lives of the thousands of cockroaches that had happily called the old stove home for a number of years. I ruined their lives even further by setting off a few cockroach bombs. I'm happy to say that they have all moved on, one way or the other. The house also had an all pervading stench of old curry. My wife managed to get rid of that by cleaning every surface in the kitchen of years of oily, curry infused residue.

In addition, we discovered, in a most unfortunate way, that the toilet bowl had parted company with the screws holding it to the floor, making going to the toilet a very moving experience, in more ways than one. The result. A new toilet.

Now, getting back to the teacher, gardener, hoarder thing. In my experience, teachers are weird creatures. They are constantly collecting "teaching aids", not to be confused with AIDS. These are bits of what I can only describe as rubbish that are accumulated over the years to be used in lessons they teach. This must be a fairly recent habit, as the only aid my ex teachers used was a cane. However, in my opinion, when these teaching aids entirely fill up a spare room, the teacher, by definition, becomes a hoarder.

When the aforementioned teacher is also an avid gardener, with over two hundred potted plants, all of which must be moved to the new house, that is further proof of hoarding. Naturally, the removalist refused to carry the plants, resulting in more than twenty trips with my wagon, filled to the brim with bloody plants!

We are now in the final stage. This where my lovely wife wants to change the location of every piece of furniture at least five times in an effort to achieve "the look". I'm happy to be going back to work after my "holiday" and the booze is starting to look like a good idea again.

Rant over!

For now!

A Mildly Amusing View On Old Age

I'm old! That, in itself, is not remotely amusing. However, over the past many decades that I've been inflicted on this planet, I've heard a few quotes that put old age in perspective. Some are original, most aren't. Enjoy!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Sex at age 70 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!

Here are a few on marriage.

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
My wife and I were happy for twenty five years. Then we met.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

Yawn! Mildly amusing. Time for a nap.

The Pros And Cons Of Being Overweight.

Obviously, a very contentious question. I'm not sure why it's contentious, it just seemed like a good thing to write.

I'm overweight. There, I said it! I really don't think it's a bad thing for me, although some of my family members disagree.

Here are some of the pros.
There are no wrinkles on a balloon, so I'm often told that I look more than a decade younger than my 68 years.
I don't have to avoid delicious food to try and keep a svelte figure.
The same goes for booze. I can drink copious quantities of good booze without getting fall down drunk. I'm told this due to my bulk. Sadly, the traffic police don't buy this.

Now for some of the cons.
I haven't seen my feet or my "old fella" for years. I know they are still there, because I can feel them in the shower. See how I kept that sentence clean? In two ways. 
I have an increased risk of a heart attack. My, now deceased doctor told me that. I actually had my heart attack 13 years ago, when I was slim.
Women don't find me attractive. I couldn't care less! At least my very lovely wife still adores me (she says).

Finally, to all those critics and haters of "over sized" people, I say "I'll bet you beat me to the grave". In fact, I'm so confident of that, I'll personally pay you $100, if I'm wrong.

Getting Screwed? Screw the Screwer.

All the information outlined in this post is my personal opinion and should not be taken as infallible.

See the above sentence? Take note.

Although I may be an old fart, I'm not necessarily senile or particularly stupid which may surprise many of you.
Over the past sixty something years, many people or businesses have either taken advantage of me, or tried to. Some were successful, most weren't. Since the advent of the internet, I have devised a way of turning the tables on those who try to screw me. In other words, I've became the screwer, not the screwee (lots of new words here).

In the past three years, I've managed to turn the tables on three different organisations that have tried to screw me over. They were a finance broker, a law firm and a real estate agent. I won't mention names, to avoid potential future litigation.

This is how it works.
Almost all businesses these days have a website, extolling the virtues of their organisations, although a surprising number still don't.. In Australia, most of them use the Australian suffix, eg. Dudcompany.com.au. Note the au at the end, Canada uses .ca, Russia uses .ru etc. However, they are so caught up in showing the viewers of the website that they are Australian, using the au suffix that they forget to register the plain old .com. This is where they come undone.

If you have been ripped off, lied to or just badly mistreated, go online and register that business' ,com.
It only costs around US$20 for 12 months. Then build a website and link it to a blog where you can outline that company's bad practices. Upload the website on to the internet and then sit back and watch them scream. It also helps if you email them your URL, so they quickly become aware of it.

Now for some important points.
1  Don't put anything on you website and claim it to be fact, unless you can include copies of actual documents. Write the entire blog and website as YOUR PERSONAL OPINION.
2. When the company contacts you and demands you take you website down (and they will), stay calm, be concise as to why you took this action and NEVER threaten them (although they will probably threaten you) and NEVER ask them for money to remove the site. Just refuse to remove your website and wait for them to make an offer. Get their offer in writing.
3. When you come to an agreement and actually receive a cheque refunding you for the amount they robbed you, take the website down immediately. You win.
4. When I do this, I also register Dudcompany.org and .net, which I don't mention to them, just as a bit of insurance.

Please remember, just state your personal opinion and don't state a fact, unless you can support with documentation, which should be displayed on your website. Don't demand money to take down your site. That could be seen as blackmail. Wait for them to make an offer.

Good luck!
This post is just my personal opinion and no guarantees or promises have been made. See!