Best Friends

There's a lot of talk about the benefits of having dogs in your life. Guide dogs, assistance dogs. police dogs, sniffer dogs (drugs, IEDs. etc), and "feel good" dogs making the elderly and mentally stressed feel happy and relaxed.

And then there's Gonzo! Bloody Gonzo! Gonzo the great! Gonzo, the fearless destroyer of valuable plants, fearless predator of cats, foxes, rabbits, birds and strong wind.

So, who is Gonzo? He is a Blue Heeler that, at 8 weeks of age, chose me to be his carer at an animal rescue centre about 6 years ago. He is also one of the smartest dogs I've ever had. I've never had a dog that can communicate so well. He has his own body language and quite easily communicates what he wants. He also has the worst farts in the world!

The very best thing about Gonzo is the unconditional love that he shares with everyone he meets.

I'm proud to introduce Gonzo. My best friend!

About An Old Fart And His Childish Dream

As a teenager and then again in my forties, I played in rock bands. Semi professionally as a teen, meaning that we occasionally got paid a pittance for a gig, and even more occasionally a free beer or two. It was never enough to remotely cover our costs, but that didn't matter. The band I played in, later in life, was an originals band. I wrote the lyrics and our lead guitarist arranged the music. We played a number of quite large gigs, developing a quite good following. Sadly, the band broke up after a couple of years due to "creative differences". This means that three of the five members were control freaks (me included), and not remotely inclined to listen to each other.

"Why am I rambling on about bands?", you might well ask. It's simple. Last week, after a marathon viewing of Santana playing live on YouTube, I decided to buy a kit of drums to mess around on.
"Why drums?", you may well also ask. I forgot to mention that I was a drummer in the aforementioned bands while mentioning the also aforementioned problems therein. That sentence should go a long way towards doing your head in. I actually ordered the drums in a moment of nostalgic insanity, only to cancel the order two days later, in a rare moment of lucidity.

"Why did you cancel the order?", you may or may not ask yourself of someone close to you.
During that moment of lucidity. a number of potential problems arose. These included (not necessarily in order of importance) possible divorce, annoying the hell out of the neighbours, making the dogs bark, causing traffic accidents in front of my house and causing cramp in my tired old hands and feet.

However, the number one problem was what to call a band of pensioners, should I form one.
A few names sprang to mind:-
Gerry Atric and the Pacemakers
Creak, Rock and Collapse
Val Lium And The Shakers
Alt Heimer's Mindbenders
etc..

The sad thing about this story, apart from the fact that it's true, is that old farts, like me, have these unfulfilled and unrealistic dreams and are compelled to post on blogs about it, resulting in mass yawns around the globe. Just like the one you're having right now.

The Gathering Of The Local Bad Mannered Morons

An amazing event occurred in my neighbourhood a couple of days ago. Coles dared to open a new supermarket next door to arch rival Woolworths. "So what?' you may well ask. I totally agree with you. Who gives a shit? Certainly not me! It's not as though no-one has ever been to a Coles supermarket before. They only have a few thousand of them throughout Australia.

But the local cretins cared! They arrived in droves to inspect this great new wonder. I stayed away for a couple of days, due to impossible parking, not needing to shop and a nasty bout of gastroenteritis. The thought of crapping in my car while hunting for a parking spot didn't really appeal.

Unfortunately, today I had to do some food shopping for the weekend. Here's how it went.

The car park was almost full, so parking took time. I finally found a vacant spot in the disabled parking zone. As I entered the parking spot, a bloody moron started sounding his horn and screaming abuse at me. Obviously, he thought his needs were greater than mine. I might also point out that he did not have a disabled parking permit displayed. I am a disability pensioner and do have a valid parking permit, which was displayed. Even after I finished parking, the moron kept on sounding his horn and screaming abuse. My disability is in my lower back, making getting in and out of a car a very painful exercise, putting me in a bad mood. In the said bad mood, I can be a little aggressive. Being 183 cm tall, 130 kg, with long hair and a "Don't fuck with me!" beard can present a tad intimidating image. As I strolled towards the screaming moron with a grin on my face, he went silent and drove off. That made my day!

I didn't visit Coles, as I'd seen a few thousand of them before. Instead, I went to Woolworths, as I was parked closer. The place was almost deserted. This suited me, because I seriously hate shopping. In and out quickly, like a priest in a bride's dressing room, is my idea of good shopping. The bonus was, what a week ago was a tired, poorly stocked supermarket, now had full shelves, fresh vegetables and an egg display that didn't feature broken eggs. Bloody amazing!

Outside the carnage continued. Drivers tooting their horns and yelling, mothers jockeying for position to push their over laden, Coles' trolleys down the ramp to the car park, complete with snotty, crying kids in tow and the fetid smell of the unwashed.

Having endured all this, I was happy to drive home, after 10 minutes trying to get out of the bloody car park. As I sit here, typing, with a glass of single malt whiskey next to me. I can only hope the novelty of that damned annoying new supermarket wears off fairly quickly.

The Great Toilet Debate

We've all had this debate. Whether to leave the toilet seat up or down after using it.
I'm a "leave it up person". Primarily for hygienic reasons. You can see if the toilet is clean or not. There's nothing worse than spending an enjoyable thirty minutes or so, doing what you have to do, while reading or playing games on your smart phone, only to discover later while flushing (assuming that you do flush), that the previous occupant has left some untoward substances caked on under the seat. I defy those of you who are "put it down people" to argue with that!

Some other things to consider when the seat is left down are:-
Are there any spiders, cockroaches, frogs, snakes, bacteria or dangerous viruses lurking there?
Has the previous occupant had a nasty bowel explosion for you to share?
And finally, do you really want to know about the disgusting build up of, God knows whose, pubic hair that is preventing the toilet seat from being all the way down?

So, as you can see, I've made my case for leaving the seat up.
I'm sure many of you have an opposite opinion. You are welcome to your opinions and I respect that. 
Finally, with regard to opinions. Opinions are like arseholes. Everybody has one and they are both often full of crap.
That's my opinion!

Vietnam And Australia Jointly Claim The Spratly Islands

 In an historical international agreement, Vietnam and Australia have formed a partnership in the ownership of the Spratly Islands, with China's consent. This was very kind of China, considering that the Spratlys are located nowhere near China's mainland.

The agreement came at a cost to Australia which had to concede Kangaroo Island in South Australia to the Chinese, who have laid clam to the island since before Australia broke off from Gondwana Land.

Most importantly, China, Vietnam and Australia have all agreed not to weaponise any of the islands. The Spratly Islands will be mined for all of its natural resources, with the profits going to Malcolm Turnbull and the families that make up the Vietnamese government.

The Chinese will cull the kangaroos and koalas on Kangaroo Island to supply the world's largest Dim Sum factory which will be built there, using Chinese asbestos and Chinese labour.

The three participating countries in the agreement all hope that the rest of the world will notice that territorial differences can easily be overcome without violence.

G'day To My Russian Viewers And My Take On The Olympics

Just recently, I've received a large number of Russian viewers of this blog. I welcome you with a hearty привет.
I wish you all well and thank you for your interest. My best friend, as a child, was the son of Russian
immigrants to Australia, after WW2. We had some seriously wild adventures together as children.
Sadly, he died in his mid twenties. Vale Alex!

Now to the Olympics.
In my opinion, These are the worst Olympics ever. Under prepared, lousy accommodation, pool water turning green, athletes mutating after pool events and muggings, to name a few.

Despite all of that, the Rio Olympics Management Committee have decided to celebrate the these wildly successful (joking) Olympics with a small "in house" event to reward those responsible.
Those rewarded will include the organisers, the security, the hookers, drug dealers and the muggers.
The event will be a kind of  minor heptathlon (only 4 events). The events are as follows:-

The two kilometer ocean swim at Copacabana Beach. The winner will be the contestant whose body mutates the least, within thirty days of completing the swim.

The ten kilometer walk, dressed only in a grass skirt through Rio's poorest slums. The winner will be the first contestant who completes the walk without receiving life threatening injuries.

The four day live-in in the athletes village. The winner will be the person, with the least injuries, who survives without being beaten, raped, robbed, electrocuted or being jabbed with used needles.

The ten kilometer mini-marathon. This event will be run through the back streets of Rio and the contestants will wear a money belt stuffed with US dollars. The winner will be the fist person past the finish line. *Note. It not expected that there will be a winner.

Instead of gold medals, the winners will receive a gold painted glass tube containing an antidote for the Zika virus. This seems a little strange as, at this time, no such antidote exists. It is suspected that tap water from the athletes village will be used instead.

A Wonderful New Website

Just a very quick post alerting you to a new website, compiled by....wait for it....me!
The address is http://www.thereprobate.com
Enjoy, or not.